Defective Toys

Chuk had a brilliant idea. While at Target he decided that he’d buy some Floam for Salem to play with on a long car trip.
“But hon, the Floam may be really sticky and she’ll get it everywhere!”
“No it won’t! It’ll be fun and she’ll love it.”

As he got into the car with our purchase he decided he was going to drive. I sat shot-gun as he asked me to open our fun new toy. I did. It stuck to my hand as if I shoved my paw down inside a boiling mass of lead. It would not come off my hand and attached itself to my other hand as I struggled. Salem was in her car seat screaming “Mommy, what is that sticky stuff, get it off!!”
“Oh man babe! I think that Floam is defective! I’ve never seen it so sticky!!”
“Um, what did I tell you, Chuk?”
“Yeah, you were right. I’m sorry.”
“Mommy! Get it off!!”
“I can’t Salem, it’s stuck. We’ll have to wash it off in a sink.”
“Mommy, GET IT OFF!”
“This is great Chuk. Thanks.”
The above conversation repeated itself until we stopped the car and he escorted me to a restroom where it was finally removed by soap and water.

We're Coming to America (I heart Neil Diamond)

moonlighting

"Granma."
"Yes Salem?"
"After my mommy puts me to bed, she stays up late working on freelance."

-At least the kid will know that you gotta work hard to get anywhere.

New Mommy

I recently went out-of-town to visit old friends in Maine. I had a great time visiting and enjoying the seafood, scenery and the lovely 76 degrees. I returned to Hotlanta late at night to a balmy 92 degrees. Poopy.

While away, I missed my little munchkin terribly. I called often and for one reason or another she really didn’t want to talk to me. The only time she jumped on the phone was to correct my pronunciation of the Barbie Mermaidia Movie as I was calling it Barbie Romania. (I didn’t understand why she’d enjoy an Eastern European Barbie movie anyway, so the mermaid correction made tons of sense.)

When I returned, she was so happy to see me as I was to see her. We hugged and kissed and caught up on what she’s been doing at school and how much fun she’d had with daddy. As I put her to bed and gave her a good night kiss, she leaned over and whispered in my ear,
”I really like the NEW mommy.”
“Really? You didn’t like the old mommy?”
“No, I’m glad she’s gone.”

Just call me Mommy 2.0

Barbie Morgue

While brushing my teeth this morning I ran into an issue. I couldn't get my toothbrush back in it's holder. (it's one of those electric toothbrush units with detatching heads for storage) Upon futher inspection, jammed inside the holder was a pair of tiny pink Barbie shoes...Okay.
Later, I had a few extra moments to spruce up the clutter in the family room before heading to work. While I scanned the room for misplaced items I noticed that most of the mess was comprised of Barbie related materials. On the upstairs coffee table I found two naked Barbies bent over with their plastic butts up in the air, a naked Barbie under the couch, a nude Skipper on the kitchen counter with her bare feet pointing toward the ceiling, a Barbie mini skirt on the stairs and 2 other nude Barbies layng face down in front of the fire place. Now that I think of it, this place looks like the Led Zeppelin Houses of the Holy album cover. I look over at our daughter, as she is quietly eating her daily dose of oatmeal. I ask her “Salem, why are all these Barbies stripped of their clothes?”
“Because mom, they all NEED to be naked!”
“Oh.”

Upsizing

I pulled out Salem's inflatable pool yesterday, dusted off the cobwebs and pumped it full of air to surpise her when she got home from school. Upon our arrival home she shouted,
"Oh yes! My pool! I'm going to jump in it, will you watch me?"
"Sure! Lets go get into your bathing suit first."
As we walked up the stairs toward her room she turned to me and said in her best smarty-pants voice,
"You know mom, I'm going to need a much bigger pool to fit all my friends. That's such a small little baby pool really."
I can see it now, the year 2020...."Gee mom, the car you worked hard to get me for my birthday is super lame-o. I would much rather have a 4 Runner, you know, to fit all my friends."

Revised logo

I saw this in google images while I was looking for a pic to go along with my blue cat butt story. Chuk said,
"hey, nobody wants to see a cat butt, just leave it to the imagination."
He's right. but I found this using the search "cat butt"
anus

It was so funny I had to share.

Blue is the new brown

My cat walked past me as I was folding laundry.
"Oh my God! What has Razzy been eating!!?"

His little kittty-cat butthole was blue, like royal blue, an unatural blue. But my nightmare was quickly squashed as I noticed my child playing nearby. There it was, a blue uncapped marker lying on the coffee table. I guess she thought Razzy needed a little improvement. That marker has been placed in the circular file.

Next up: Lies

Just when the "terrible twos" have come to an end, I get slammed with a really exciting parental hurdle: THE LIE
While I was at work (yes guys, I'm one of those moms who work. Sorry.) I get a phone call from Salem's school. Salem is sick, she has a tummy ache and is complaining about her bum. I leave work worried, they say that she is resting in the corner while the other kids are out on the swings. She NEVER rests. Salem has slept a cumulative 50 hours since I brought her home from the hospital. She is about to turn three. Let's just say she's not interested in sleeping.

Upon my arrival, Salem is sitting by the front door with giant tears streaming down her little pale cheeks.

"Mommy, my bum hurts. There's something old and crusty in there."

"Old and crusty? Sounds pretty bad to me!"

When we get home she lifts her head and states "I'm glad we're home. I didn't want to take a nap at school. I pretended to be sick, I hate naps!"
Great. I thought I would not have to be burdened with LIES until she turned 16. The deal is, how did she dream up this "hard and crusty" stuff that was plaguing her in the first place? Never underestimate a three year old.

Wasabi Story

Chuk was eating some cocktail nuts yesterday. Blue Diamond Wasabi Covered Almonds.


Salem danced around him yelling “I wansome I wansome!”
“But Sally, these are hot, you will not like them.”
“Daddy!! I want your HOT NUTS!”
Nice.

hand holding

Chuk woke me up from a sound sleep the other night, must have been around 12:30am.
"Do we have any cheese?"
"Uh, I don't know Charlie, why don't you shimmy your skinny ass down to the kitchen and look in the effing fridge!"
Men kill me.

Hotlanta

Our central air is broken. This is how we feel about it:

The Little People

St. Patrick's Day sucked at Chez Vinson this year. I had to help my company move to a new location. ALL DAY. Afterward, my friend Alison and I got some brews and set off to hang out with Salem. She was so excited to have Alison over that she was showing off a bit; typical stuff like twirling around, running in circles around my friend and biting off the little rhinestones on the fabric of her barbie's dress and spitting them on the floor. (I don't know why she does this. I've asked her to stop, it hasn't worked.)

The topic of St. Paddy's day came up and I thought I'd ask Salem where leprechans came from. She looked at us and then stated with great confidence, "They come from Alabama!"

Car seats

Question:
Do the children of today have to sit in a car seat until they are 15? When did this rule happen? I remember being a small child, standing up in the front seat with my back to the windshield while my mother dashed down the highway lip-syncing to Pat Benatar.
...That was a different time.

Dog Odors

We picked up my brother in law's 2 black labs at the kennel a while back. That was a sight, Two large dogs on long leashes tugging me through a parking lot full of steaming dog-piles, me in cha-cha heels dragging my child behind us by her overall straps. I'm mother of the year, I swear.

On arrival, I told her "Now, we're going to pick up Lola and Benson, you need to stay close to me as I will not be able to hold your hand."
"I need to stay close? Why? So they won't get their poopy on me?"
"Well, sure! That sounds like a good plan, Salem. Try to stay close to avoid all the poop."

Loading 2 dogs and a child in my grocery-grabber was not a simple task either. Truth be told, I'm not a dog-person, I don't have the those special "dog people" skills and I've never had to handle large animals at the same time while toting a toddler; it's really difficult! After playing a few rounds of Chinese Fire Drill, I had sequestered Benson in the back area of the station wagon and forced Lola in the back seat next to Salem in her carseat. Getting on the road Salem looks Lola in the eye and with a loud breathy voice she says, "Ooooh Lola! I like your smell!"

Witchy McWitcherson

Finding out you’re pregnant is the easy part, it sparks the beginning of a long, uphill journey. For nine months you struggle with the hurdles of getting bigger, you pee all the time, you’re on a constant search for some strange food combination, you want to tear the head off the person in front of you at the Kroger, and you can’t go certain places. For me, I couldn’t go to a certain restaurant because the air there smelled like cat-breath. I couldn’t go anywhere that I had not scoped out before. I needed to know just where I could discretely vomit, as I would vomit without notice on a daily basis. On top of all of this torture, there’s a hidden turmoil. What are you going to name that little trouble maker growing inside you? Do you name the child after a relative or a historical figure? Do you name a child because you like the way the name sounds or looks on paper? Do you avoid names for the dreaded “playground taunt effect”? I hear that often, (In the voice of Hank Hill) “if you name her that, the other kids will make fun of her, blah blah--harrumph.” As you see, I pay no attention to such remarks.

We named our daughter Salem Clarke Vinson. A beautiful name that may cause her a small amount of strife in the formative years; yet a name she will grow to love and be proud of. I pat myself on the back daily for dreaming it up, I absolutely love it.



Salem huh? You don’t’ want to name her after those Salem witches. Salem, like the cigarettes? Arthur Miller fan, eh? Oh, she’s named after the book Salem’s Lot by Stephen King? Uh, yeeaaah. None of that, but thanks. Truth be told, the comments don’t bother me. Not a bit. I grew up in a small town in Maine, part of a larger area known as New England. We are now raising our daughter in the deep south, apparently she’s a ‘true grit’ as I’ve heard several older southern women call her. My home, my motherland, will always be New England. I wanted to give a small piece of that to my daughter, a piece of me that she can carry with her always. She’s has her father’s last name, why can’t I give her something as significant?

The point of all this discussion today is because I ‘googled’ my daughter’s name this morning. What I found was very interesting. There was a group of women during the Salem witch trials that were convicted and hanged. Not much is known about them other than their conviction and execution. Among them was a young woman named Rachel Vinson. I find this to be interesting because, as a Vinson now myself, I’ve learned is not a common name. Salem Vinson: A name shared with a town known for burning so called witches at the stake and the same surname of a witch that was executed there. Maybe the naysayers were right all along but to me that story makes our name choice even more interesting.

Arrrrrgh!

We've been learning all about our private parts lately as Salem is really interested in what's down below. I told her that those are private, and she is not to fiddle with any of that in public.
I picked her up from school and her teacher said that Salem was running around the playground yelling "Nobody is allowed to see my "Pirate Parts!" Now all she needs is a pet parrot.

Krystal or Crystal

The grandparents have introduced our daughter to fast food, particularly a restaurant called Krystal. If you don’t know what Krystal is, it’s kinda like White Castle only the theme color is orange not navy blue. Dont' worry, they still serve those “belly bombers” only at Krystal, they are called “sliders”. She loves it. She also loves the movie The Dark Crystal, the Jim Henson puppet movie with all the nasty bird-like creatures. I’ll explain why these two are mentioned congruently:





Chuk took her to Krystal one day for lunch, as mommy is not a big fan of their fare. They make tiny hamburgers which the patties look more like a smear of meat paste on a bun rather than a hamburger. This particular Krystal was located downtown, not populated by many Caucasians. As Chuk and Salem entered the building, Salem shouted “Hey daddy! Is this the DARK Crystal?”

Got Skills

Salem is all into little canned phrases right now. Her personal favorites are: “Well, first of all…” and “Let me show off my new skills”.
I am wondering about the ‘skills’ phrase, where did she hear that? What skills? Oh, wait! It must be her ‘push all the buttons on the dishwasher’ skills or ‘smear the push-pop all over the TV screen’. No, it’s gotta be ‘how to piss mommy off with my cookie demand while on the Interstate’. Yeah, that’s a good one.