Painting Again!

I've been rather busy, trying to get back into doing artwork--you know, the kind of stuff I went to school for way back in the day? I'm currently working on several pieces that I'd like to show in a gallery somewhere in the ATL, perhaps in the fall or winter. I've finished one piece, titled "Crush", it's currently hanging in a gallery space at eyedrum. If you're in that part of the ATL-ghetto picking up your crack rocks, you should stop in for a quick second. Wurd.


Crush
oil on canvas 32 x 46"

More on yummy snacks....

I've been talking quite a bit about the kid's eating habits. Oddly enough, I discovered her pallet has taken quite a turn from the ordinary recently and wanted to share with you, gentle reader, my experience:

me: "Good night babe, sleep tight."
her: "Good night, mommy... Hey! Do you have bug-spray on your arms?"
me: "Yes. I'm sorry, it is kinda stinky..."
her: "Good!"
I wondered to myself why on earth is that 'good' ?
She opened her eyes as wide as she could muster and with a large grin she quietly asked, "Hey? Can I lick it?"

I just stared at her for a moment before I firmly told her "No, you can not lick my bug spray off my arms. It's poison. NEVER do that. Ever. Okay?"

Of all the strange things she likes to eat, wtf?

Son, you got a panty on your head...

I had to share this image. It reminded me of a line (see title of this post) in one of my favorite movies of all time, Raising Arizona. Nick Cage's character held up a convenience store while wearing panty hose on his head for anonymity and demands a bag of Pampers while he's at it. Then he has to hold up a man in a truck for a ride. The man notifies him (incase he didn't know?) that he has a 'panty on his head'. My nephew, Wyatt's face pressed up against that mesh just kills me!

A Delicious Snack?

Does this image of baking flour whet your appetite?

I can't remember the last time I was so enticed by a food item, it's all I can think about. The powdery deliciousness, the dry grainy texture, the flavorless, hard to swallow goodness in every bite. Man, where is the nearest baking aisle so that I may wrap my hands around a 1 pound bag of Gold Medal Flour and dig in!

Over the weekend Chuk made some super yummy waffles (he's the champion of making breakfast. I swear, the ABSOLUTE BEST!) after he made the waffles there was some residual flour left on the counter. Salem brushed by, saw the flour and took a sample. She loved it so much that she started brushing it off the counter into her open mouth. I told her that's not something we needed to be doing and certainly not a yummy snack. She looked at me as if I had three heads and went back to shoveling the flour into her pie-hole. I wiped up the counter, much to her dissatisfaction and we went about our day.

Later at snack time, she specifically asked for "that yummy white stuff." At first I thought she was talking about marshmallow fluff or the middle of an Oreo. I was greatly mistaken.
her: "No mom, the white stuff that was on the counter!"
me: "That baking flour that dad uses to make waffles?"
her: "Yes!"
Not really knowing how to handle this request, I turned to her and said "Uh, no. You're not eating that for a snack."

I felt at that time there was no need for an explanation as to why she was not getting flour as her mid-afternoon snack. I gave her some grapes and called it a draw.

Today's Special: Cold Black Meat...and nothing else

"What do you want for lunch today" I asked the kid.
her: "I want that black meat!"
me: "What's black meat?"
her: "That meat that was in my hamburger at the place where we got hamburgers and milk shakes."
me: "Oh okay. You want a hamburger?"
her: "No, I just want the black meat and nothing else. I don't even want princess snacks today."
me: "Okay, let me get this straight. You want just a cold disk of cooked hamburger meat for lunch and nothing else?"
her: "Yeah. Good."

I considered sending her to school with just a patty of 'black meat' and a prayer. But reconsidered when I imagined the look on the teacher's face as she pulled out the floppy, cold, sad little patty of black meat from her lunch bag. I bet I'd get a call from Ms. Betty.

I sent her to school with a turkey sandwich and you know what? I heard about it later. She was none too pleased when she didn't have her 'black meat' for lunch.

When Hunger Strikes

When I got home from work, I sat down to talk to Salem about her day as she was busily playing with her naked Barbie, who she'd named "Mary Cake". I asked her how her day at summer camp was and she said "Great!". I asked what they'd done today.
Salem: "I made an Octopus out of cereal!"
CHUK: "That IS great! Where is it I'd like to see it."
Salem: "Well, its in the car... but it might not look like an octopus... I ate a bunch of the cereal off it on the way home, because I was very hungry."

-CHUK

Rusty Bed Springs

I'm going to 'air some dirty laundry' (hee hee, i can hardly stand how funny I am.) here today. We're in a family crisis, with a capital 'P'. (There I go again! Just a joke-a-minute.)

Salem has been wetting the bed quite frequently. She was having another nightmare about robots Monday night, Chuk went in to calm her down and in his usual style, passed out next to her. He woke up soaking wet while she was freaking out about how she wet the bed. "Oh no! Daddy! Wake up, something terrible has happened! I PEED!" We all got up, cleaned her and the sheets then climbed into our dry bed together to get some much needed rest.

Last night, she snuck into our bed. I woke up from the chorus of snorring to find her snuggled in with us. Then Chuk stirred and nonchalantly said, "Let's hope she didn't pee....AHHH!" This time it was I soaking in a puddle of urine. I HATE that feeling of wet sheets and undies stuck to my bum; it's terrible.

Here we are, two nights in a row of bedwetting. I'm nervous to find what tonight holds and am wondering if we need to revert back to pullups at bedtime? (I LOVE to spend money on diapers! Just about as much as I like to jam thumbtacks into my retinas.) Is she steering her ship into nightly bedwetting territory? Should I hunker down for years of this super fun activity or do you suppose it's just a couple of accidents?

Sawing Logs

My 4 year old snores. Loud too.

So loud in fact that I could not sleep last night. I got up several times to roll her over to no avail.

To make matters worse, I had both her and her dad snorring it up peanut-gallery style, all night. Wurd!

NEKKID!

Salem stayed with her PopPop on Saturday night. This guy is the second most important man in her life, after Chuk of course. She LOVES her PopPop. While she was there, they had dinner, played in her little pool, watched a movie and just enjoyed each other’s company. In the morning after breakfast he told her it was time to take a shower. She threw up her hands and with her best Richard Simmons voice, she squealed, “Okay! Let’s get NEKKID!”

PopPop gently reminded her that she was to be the only naked one in the shower.

Come on, do you really follow mommy-advice anyway?

I was recently asked what's the best piece of advice I could give about being a mom.

Thinking about my posts on this blog, I mentally shuffled through these stories; things I've done wrong, done right, got positive results, got negative ones. But really, who really follows advice? I NEVER listen to advice, even if I've asked for it. I have to learn for myself by DOING. I've never learned any lesson by following instructions or orders from others.

Every kid is unique, ask anyone (and usually they'll tell you that their kid is gifted or uber-intelligent or reads novels at age 4. It's hilarious the lengths that parents go to prove how special their kid is). What works on my kid could send yours into a blind rage, who knows?

I guess I don't have 'advice'. We just have a very simple rule we follow religiously at Chez Vinson. Our child lives with us, we don't live with her--period. Like the masthead states, "I'm the boss, applesauce!" She is not a 'ma'am', I'm the 'ma'am'. She's the child for crissakes, not me.

Things were different when I was growing up. I'd pass out from shock if my mother gingerly begged me to stop climbing the walls at Target; following it up with a gentle nursery school voiced "No ma'am... we don't climb the walls at Target. Now, please come down from that rafter so that I may give you a cookie." Are you kidding me? The kids of today are going to grow up to be a bunch of self important assholes, just you wait and see.

Here's an idea: Have two kids! Screw up the first one, then learn from your mistakes with the second. At the very least you'll only have to pay for therapy for one kid. Oh, and another thing... Dewars really helps.

Grayt

Here we go...
I just found my first gray hair.

I'm devastated. I guess I'll be needing to book that appointment for botox after all.

Mummy Song

Salem's Song about Mummies:

The mummies are coming to eat you!
If you go near their tomb they will see you!
The the clock will go tick tock toe tick
And the mummies will come out of your room to eat you.
And if they do...they will say RAW.
And they will know that you have their nose.
When they give you a raw fish out of the toilet...
and they put it in your mouth. Then you say...
EWWW!

Morning Breath

We were being lazy on Sunday morning. Salem jumped in bed with us and we were all just kind of hangin' out. She started wiggling around and tickling us. She got right in my face and laughed.
My face wrinkled up when i smelled her terrible morning breath. It smelled like a sewer, it was most unpleasant.
"Salem! we need to get out of bed and brush your teeth, you have very stinky breath!"
She looked up at me, threw her head back and started laughing frantically.
"Teeeeeshh shh shh shh! That's not my breath! I farted!"

Summer!

I'm just so happy that summer is here in the ATL. Yippie!

The Correct Way to Wear a Hat

Salem and her PopPop went on a fishing trip. It was hot so he adjusted his baseball cap and put it on her head. The next time he looked down she had it turned around backwards. He said "Salem, turn the hat around, you want the bill to shade your face."
She said "No, PopPop this is the way you wear it."
He came back with "Only if your an idiot."
She quickly said "Oh" and turned it around.

She certainly doesn't want to go around looking like an idiot.