Ew-Stew

I've been reading Shel Silverstein poems to Salem at bedtime. Last night I read Me-Stew:

I have nothing to put in my stew, you see,
Not a bone or a bean or a black-eyed pea,
So I'll just climb in the pot to see
If I can make a stew out of me.
I'll put in some pepper and salt and I'll sit
In the bubbling water - I won't scream a bit.
I'll sing while i simmer, I'll smile while I'm stewing,
I'll taste myself often to see how i'm doing.
I'll stir me around with this big wooden spoon
And serve myself up at a quarter to noon.
So bring out your stew bowls,
You gobblers and snackers.
Farewell - and I hope you enjoy me with crackers!
-Shel Silverstein

After I read it, she turned to me and said,
"That's gross! Because the stew would be his blood and we'd be eating bloody stew and his
eyeballs would be floating around like meatballs. And his bones would be too
crunchy and hard. I wouldn't eat that stew at all. That's just yucky."

Jumping on the Wordle Bandwagon...

If you click it, it becomes bigger. Magic!

New Thread: Farmers Market Chronicles

Some of you know that I used to work at a local Farmers Market here in the ATL. (Addie, does this count as one of the things that people may not know about me?) I have soooo many hilarious stories about that place, and like anyone with a blog would normally do, I am going to purge them here gentle reader, for your consumption.

Quick back-story: This Farmers Market shall remain unnamed, however they predominately employ only immigrants; mostly from Ethiopia, India, Vietnam, Sudan, Ivory coast, and Bangladesh. Hardly anyone speaks English well, never mind the grasping of spelling and grammar.

I was in charge of all signage for the market. As one of the very select few of natural-born Americans employed at the market, this task was best performed by someone with my skill-set, by which I'm referring to the modest mastery of the English language. However, I had two days off a week. My absence would cause a ripple effect within the market-to-customer communication which needed to be remedied with haste upon my return to work. Every week.

The first story I'd like to share is clearly illustrated by this tag indicated above. Early Tuesday morning while on my weekly signage inspection I found the above tag nestled amongst the rest of our selection in the fish department. I almost peed. At least they didn't spell 'vagina' correctly. But, the word 'hole' is the punchline, as it was intended to read "whole" as in the whole fish.

I'd like to thank Oprah's show for coining the word "Vag-jay-jay", but do I get credit for calling it a 'Virgina Trout Hole?' You make the call.

Magic Sphere Skull

Last night when we got home, I was excited to unveil all the fun new adornments I'd added to Salem's room over the weekend. She walked in, spun around, inspected the new lights and bedding and said, "Oh mommy! It's beautiful! I love my room so much." And with that, she carefully reached into her pocket and pulled out a tiny clear glass marble.

"Mommy? I would like you to have this, this magic pearl-sphere to thank you for my beautiful room."

Plucking it from her teeny finger tips I said, "Thank you, Salem, this is very sweet! I've always wanted a magic pearl-sphere. What's it do?"

her: "Well, you look into it, and you can see my entire room! Only small!"
Looking into the magic pearl-sphere I announced, "True, very true! And this little pearl is indeed a sphere, good call. What else is a sphere?"
With much enthusiasm she declared, "My skull!"

I didn't bust her chops on that one. But the mere mention of the word 'skull' makes me think that we may be headed down Gruesome Lane, so I didn't poke to much. As it stands, the gore topic has been most difficult to deviate from yet the story of the magic pearl-sphere was sounding very positive!

Addie, One Down, 5 to Go...

My good friend Addie tasked me to come up with a list of 6 things that people do not know about me. However, with my large gaping mouth I find it hard to hold back any personal information--as every chance I get I tend to spew whatever is on my mind. But all is not lost! I have found something that is unknown.

Most of my friends know I have a terrible gag reflex. The most trivial of things has an ability to make me physically sick. For instance, it is known that wet Wonder bread will bubble my bile. (funny link. Man, I'm good.) I once saw a disembodied Barbie head sitting in a greasy mud puddle. Yeah, I tossed my cookies.

Anywhoosles, I found a new item that sent me gagging straight to the porcelain throne last night. Drum roll....
Sunkist Orange soda. Quite frankly the most disgusting beverage I have ever consumed. AND it was warm, making it taste like Triaminic cough syrup, that hated pediatric cold remedy from the 70's. It was so gross that I gagged and dry heaved for more than 5 minutes.

There you have it. Never give me Sunkist Orange Soda. It's like kryptonite to me.

Yesterday Makes Today a Pity Party

Yesterday I had out-patient surgery. It was uncomfortable at best
Today I feel like I got shot with buckshot after downing a bleach cocktail.

Yesterday, after my surgery when I got home my burglar alarm was blasting and it would not shut off. It had to dismantled for it to stop shrieking.

Yesterday I bought a new coffee pot. It broke while taking it out of the box.

Yesterday I opened the door under my kitchen sink to put some supplies away to find the pipes were leaking all over the cabinet.

More on the Gore

While we were leaving my friend’s house last night, Salem fell in the driveway, bumping her head. Nothing serious, it just startled her. I picked her up, cuddled her and put her in her car seat, assuring her that she was going to be fine.

Her:”Mom, I wish Venessa’s driveway wasn’t so hard!”
Me: “I’m sorry babe, but driveways are always going to be hard, it’s just how it is.”
Her: “Well, I may have to go to the hospital, I mean, my brain might be showing!”
Me: “Salem, your brain is not showing. Now you’re being a little dramatic.”
Her: “Well, if my brain is showing and the wind blows on it, the air will make it hurt!”

Okay. At this point I’ve had enough.

Me: “You’re fine hun.”
Changing the subject…
“What do you think you’ll do at school tomorrow?”
Her: “Well, if my skull has a hole in it and if the wind blows under it, then it could blow out my eyeballs. Then I won’t even be able to see when I go to school tomorrow!”

WTF?!

This is when I turned on the stereo and tried to get her to sing Willy Wonka songs.

Mac 'n Topping

"We're having turkey burgers for dinner kiddo."

her: "Maaaan! I want macaroni and cheese."

me: "Well, you'll find that these turkey burgers are really good. You can put all kinds of toppings on it, like katchup, mayo, cheese, mustard or whatever you want on your burger."

her: "I think i'll have mine with macaroni and cheese as a topping. Thanks mom!"

You Dropped a Bomb on Me

We were puttering around yesterday evening at home, listening to music. The Gap Band's "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" came on.

her: "Mom- If a bomb fell on our heads, we would be flat as a pancake!"
me: "True. But hey, how do you know about bombs?"
She threw both her little hands in the air and shrugged her narrow shoulders.
her: "I dunno."

... a moment later (this is to be read like the voice from the Sponge Bob narrator, that silly French voice.)

her: "Mom- If a bomb fell on us, made us flat as a pancake then our blood would spray out all over the place and our bones would be smashed to smithereens."
me: "Hey! Lets go play with a puzzle!"

I am just changing the subject with her when she begins her "gore" rants. Lets see if this improves the topic of our conversations. I'll report back when I have the results.

(Note: The photo above is of the GAP Band and not the Village People, although how can we tell?)

Spanish for Snow

"Hey mom?"
me: "Hey! what's up, kiddo?"
her: "Did you know that 'Antarctica' is Spanish for the word 'snow'?"
me: "I did not. But, Antarctica is not Spanish for the word snow, babe. It's a giant continent at the very bottom of the earth. It is however, covered in snow."
her: "Oh. That's okay. I think I will still call it Antarctica when I speak the Spanish."