Halloween Party

Last night I took Salem to a kids Halloween party. Staying along the same vein as yesterday's post (about pet peeves) I'd like to vent:

Question:
Why is it when you gather more than two little girls together you can put money down on the fact the outcome is doomed to be a shrill chorus of constant screaming? I swear, my ears are still bleeding.

Question:
Why is it when you gather more than one boy together you are more than certain your carpet will get stained, toilet stopped up, find a poly pocket doll blocking the bathroom drain and hand prints all over the TV?

Pet Peeves

I wanted to see if anyone shares my pet peeves. I'm making a list which I'll add to as annoyances come to mind.

• The stupid code we have to view and type in when leaving a comments on blogger/myspace/bank sign-ins. It usually looks like a word-it's not, and can have numbers or symbols. It appears wavy or skewed in some manor. I most always read it incorrectly and it takes me 5 tries to leave a comment as I fail to figure out the stupid code thingy.
• I am disgusted at how my cellphone gets covered in yucky face-oil. (yeah, i'll admit i'm greasy, what's it to ya?) It embarrasses me.
• I frequent a shopping center with minimal parking out front, but a huge parking lot underground. I hate parking underground, it just seems like it's more of an effort, but there is NEVER any parking in the outside lot; yet I find myself driving around like an idiot thinking I'll somehow get a lucky spot. Before I know it, I've spent double the amount of time it would have taken if I had just gone underground in the first place.
• It burns me up when i'm texting with T9 and my phone doesn't know what I'm trying to say. I then have to 'add' the word. By that time, I could have just called the person I was trying to text.
• I am constantly running out of soda water. I bought a soda siphon to solve the issue, but now I have to drink all of it at one time as it goes flat so quickly.
• I hate hand dryers; just give me a crappy piece of paper towel for crissakes.
• Sometimes gum gets really hard after I chew it for a while. But I keep chewing it as if it will magically get softer eventually making my jaw sore and tired.
• Normally, when I go to a restaurant it is with myself and one other person or sometimes we go out as couples, i.e. there are 4 of us. Often times I have found when ordering an appetizer, like say chicken satay or pot stickers, it will arrive at the table with 3 skewers of chicken or three pot stickers. What are we supposed to do with that odd number? Who's idea is that anyway?
• Movie theater fare: The selection is horrible, the candy boxes look big, yet the portions are toddler sized and everything is way, way over priced. And--why can't we order beer or wine at the regular movies?! I don't appreciate going to out to see a movie in one of those 'beer-movie-houses' that I could rent off of netflix just because I'd like to enjoy an adult beverage while being entertained by a feature film outside of the comforts of my living room.

Spooktacular

As I have mentioned before, Salem wanted to be a skeleton for Halloween. Chuk was so excited that his daughter chose to be something scary that he has pre-planned how her make-up will look on Halloween night. I just love the design and wanted to share. It sort of reminds me of Cirque du Soleil.

Had to Share...

I've been debating sharing this, but it's too funny to selfishly withhold from my gentle readers.

Yesterday, Salem and her bff, Lola, were playing with Polly Pocket dolls. There is something about Polly Pocket that brings out the strange within my child, I dunno what it is, but she says some wacky stuff when she plays with them.

...Getting back to the story, Salem was holding one of the dolls while chanting at it: "I'll turn ya 'round and shave ya down! Shave ya down, and turn ya 'round!"
Any ideas people? I just don't know what the heck that's about.

I found this while I was looking for images for this post. It's so odd I had to share:

ipoop

I apologize in advance but I have to share a little toilet humor...har har-I kill myself. Salem woke up yesterday and robotically performed her early morning routine. This routine consists of a large frown, tussled bed-hair, her whining about not wanting to wake up or being hungry, cold, upset about going to school -or- insert garden variety complaint here:_______. This pissy-pants attitude accompanies her while she enters the restroom where she proceeds to complain about some aspect of relieving herself. Yes, it is understood that the kid is not a morning person. While on the potty, she shouted out to me as I was scurrying around in the kitchen preparing her breakfast, “Mom! I have an ipoop! Come look!”

I pondered for a moment about just what an ipoop would look like, but hesitated. I have no desire to stare into the toilet and critique Salem’s morning poo. I responded, “Salem, I’m happy that you have had an ipoop, but let’s keep this to yourself, I don’t need to see it. Furthermore, let’s not share our poo with anyone, okay? Not at school, not with your friends, teachers or anyone, okay?”

I suppose this is natural for a 4 year old. Lots of kids like to share their fecal creations and are very proud of what they have made. Having the weakest stomach of anyone I’ve ever known, I decided during potty training to veto all toilet shows. She was very disappointed with this lesson, but a queasy mom’s got to put her foot down.

Voodoo Glow Skull!

Last night Salem and I went to the pumpkin patch (or should I say the pumpkin parking lot) to choose our Jack-O-Lantern to be.

When it came time to carve it up, I asked her what we should carve, a princess? a clown? a funny face? She replied in her know-it-all tone:

"A skeleton (duh)....with blood spraying out of its eyes!!!"

me: "Well, I can make a skull, but you'll just have to imagine the blood on your own, as we're not equipped to support those kinds of effects. And! That's kinda gross, don'tcha think?"

her: "Okay mommy, it's okay. I just want my pumpkin to be scary!"

Speaking of scary, Salem is going to be a skeleton for Halloween. She and I are going to make a pink glitter heart to pin to her little skeleton rib cage to obtain that splash of pink all little girls need within their attire. I told her that we were making the glitter heart tonight, she squealed and remarked with this statement:

"Well, we can make that glitter heart! and, and we can also make it dripping with blood! Like big drops of blood, coming out of the heart--all nasty! Aaaaaaaaand Scaaaaaaaary!"

Cap'n Crunch

I had to share this.
I googled the recipe for the said Cap'n Crunch Encrusted French toast from my previous post. I found what appears to be another person's blog with a comment section directly below. One of the comments:

Re: Cap'n Crunch French Toast! Mon, June 23, 2008 - 6:24 AM
Jeff! Jeff!
The most awful thing has happened!
I don't like Deviled Ham anymore! Just all of a sudden!
Do you think it could be from the menopause?

I'm not sure why I thought this was so funny. I guess deviled ham sharing the same sentence as "the menopause" just seems funny to me.

Ree-ibs and Friied Chicken

Last week I was really hungry, all I could think about was food, food and more food. I had a craving for a hot fudge sundae with pepperoni on top of a hamburger. Due to my cravings, I made plans to eat at Agnes and Muriels here in the ATL. I even downloaded the menu in anticipation. I decided on the half rack of the coca-cola barbecue smothered ribs and half fried chicken. This smart decision was reached 5 days in advance.

The day finally came where I had planned to gorge myself, prepared for a feast I even chose an outfit with Lycra in the fabric to allow for stretch. (I'm disgusting, I know!) In my defense, I swapped the side of mac-n-cheese with a side-salad, I do have a little dignity! Anywhoosels, I ate the entire plate. The ribs fell off the bone they were so tender. At the end of the meal I was so upset it was gone that like a child, pushed defiantly at one of the naked ribs like i had just lost at checkers. Oh my lucky stars, It wasn't a bone! It was a solid sliver of rib meat in the shape of a bone! I was more excited about finding that prize than I was with my discovery of the short cut to Perimeter mall.

Coming down from my gluttonous high was another story. I packed my gut so full of food that 20 mins after my dinner I was looking around for a place to vomit discretely. I spent the rest of the evening in pain and for two days after felt like i had swallowed a bowling ball.

There is a lesson to be learned here; I have a feeling that I'll conveniently forget that lesson next time I see ree-ibs and friiied chicken together on a menu. Oh, did I fail to mention that Agnes and Muriel's has brunch? On the brunch menu is Cap'n Crunch encrusted french toast. I'm sooooo going to get that!

Mouse with Big Hair

This piece is titled: "Mouse with Big Hair"

Artist: Salem V.

Nice Outfit

This is an outfit that Salem invented. the top is a dog collar from her Pop pop's dog , the bottom's are a plastic bag and her 'gloves' are rain boots. Looks like she's in art school already. (well, i did used to wear a sleeve cut off a T-shirt for a hat and whitey-tighties with the crotch cut out for a bra. Yes, for real. How it worked: Cut the crotch out, but leave the trimming on the sides, turn them upside down, put on over your head and the waistband serves as the support, and the trimming serves as the straps. )

Patrick!

Salem does her impersonation of Sponge Bob telling Patrick that he has stinky breath.

With My Sketchers On

OATS

This morning was great! (insert sarcastic facial expression here) Salem woke up with a stuffy nose and fought me tooth and nail over the application of nose drops she insisted I help her with. Then, instead of the super convenient breakfast of juice and golden grahams, she requested oatmeal. None of my cabinets in my kitchen can house the epic oatmeal container that I purchased from Sam's Club. To solve the problem, I have to lay the mammoth cylinder on it's side in the cabinet above the microwave.

While I was heating up the water in the microwave, my kitchen looked like a scene from A Christmas Carol as oats were fluttering from the cabinet and blowing all over the kitchen propelled by the exhaust from the microwave. I opened the cabinet to address the problem and to my surprise I was immediately covered under a curtain of oats. Before I could stop it, oats coated my face, hair, eyelids and filled my shirt and bra cups full. After I stopped the spill, I looked down and my entire stove top, burners and counter top was coated in a blanket of dusty oats. To top it off, I had just applied some lip gloss that apparently attracts dry oats like stink on $hit.

This kid had better be hungry today, I thought to myself.

I hate Mondays.

Breakin' Your Brain

Shrimp Snacks Advertisement:

According to Salem, these Shrimp Snacks are...

"So good they will break my brain off!!"

An October Weekend

I'm going to try to post more photos of my weekend. Admittedly I have been a little lazy with my picture taking, I'm hoping this will change.


We went to an Art Fair on Saturday. Salem found a booth selling pottery dog dishes. (istn't there always a booth selling this type of stuff?) She couldn't stop picking up the little decorative bones and pretending to eat them like a dog. I was proud as could be.

In typical fair fashion, we HAD to stop at the face painting booth.
Later, at the grocery store I got the hairy eyeball from other shoppers as after a couple hours, this paint job was worn and sweaty looking. It took on the characteristics of a big ol' bruise, not a dainty flower.

My friend Frances taking a time-out from seriousness. Note: Barr '08

A photo of the sweetest little kid I know. This inflection is the outcome of Me not letting her watch Pippi Longstocking more than 2 times in one day.

...As I write this post, I just overheard my child telling her Barbie Doll:

"Have fun eating blood!"

Sally-in-Action

I just love this action shot of Salem. Yes, she's all knees and elbows.

Carseat Driver II

We went to a friends house last night for dinner. I'd never been to this location before and it was slightly confusing but we found it just fine. That was when it was daylight.

When it was time to go, darkness had fallen across the land resulting in navigational irritation. I took a wrong turn and had to turn around. Salem, from her carseat decides to offer up her opinion:

"Mom! Where are you going? This is NOT our street, you know. It doesn't even look like it at all, how did you not notice that this is not our street? Do you even know how to get home?"

me: "Um, I made a wrong turn, OK? I'm now turning around on this street that isn't our street. Sorry, sheesh. We'll be home before you know it."

her: "Well, if you weren't such a bad driver we'd probably be home by now."

Thanks for the advice kid, it really helped.

Changin' Polly Pocket From Rooster to Hen

We went to a friends birthday party last night at a yummy Mexican restaurant. Salem's best friend Lola was there to join in on the festivities. The girls were happily playing with princess polly pocket dolls while patiently awaiting their entrees. I was seated next to a gal that I had just met, we were enjoying our cocktails and having a great time. While I was explaining the very interesting details of my super exciting job (insert scarcastic facial expression here) she stopped me mid-sentence.

"Your daughter just told her polly pocket doll that she was going to castrate her!"
me: "Whaaaaa?"
I turned to Salem, "Salem, where did you hear the word "castrate"?
her: "I dunno."
me: "Well, lets not use that word anymore, understand? Besides, a girl can not be castrated."

My new friend next to me started laughing and said she'd heard Salem say it multiple times earlier in the evening but she was pretty sure she wasn't hearing her correctly. To her surprise she was wrong.

Great--more on the gore, this time it's with male genitals.

Squirrel Fight!

As I picked Salem up from her sitter yesterday, she had a crazy look in her eye and was all fired up about something. She announced the following to me with much zest:

“Mom! When I was at school today, there was a squirrel fight! One of the squirrels, her name is Sarah, got pushed right out of the tree. She landed really hard on her body and bleed came out! Miss M. said that she put Sarah in the Garbage!”

Me: “So this happened at while you were at school?”

Her: “Yesssssss!”

Me: “Well, how did you find out?”

Her: “Ummm, well. (pause, thinking causes her eyes to roll around for a second…) I heard the fight!”

Me: “You heard the squirrel fight in Miss M’s yard from school?”

Her: (pause, thinking again, eyes rolling) “Yes! It was very loud. I even heard Sarah land on the ground with a THHHHHHHHHHUMP!”

Me: “Okay! Let’s move on. Would you like lasagna for dinner?...”

Her gore-obessing is testing my limits. I banged my knee the other day causing me to yell out in pain. Dropping her snack plate on the ground like it was full of maggots, she ran over and demanded I show her where I got hurt while demanding to know if it was a scrape, a cut or a bruise. She's out for blood.

Vampire Teeth

I took Salem to the dentist this morning. She had a clean bill of health but we didn't leave unscathed.

I was seated in the waiting room patiently for her. As she was leaving the dental office she sported a huge toothy grin which appeared to be covered in blood. My head felt like it had been jerked on a chain as I performed my exaggerated double take. Turns out, she was given some mini kid's bloody vampire teeth for Halloween. Those trick teeth are pretty realistic these days, gave me quite a scare.

(Thanks for emailing me the pic, Addie!)

Foam Name

Look to the left of her little pink pants and you will see that she spelled her name with foam letters. Way to go, Montessori school!

She got the 'E' backwards but hey, I still don't know my right from my left--seriously. People have told me to make an 'L' with my thumb and index fingers on both hands, the one that looks like an 'L' is my left hand. Trouble is, they BOTH look like 'L's to me. Yeah, I know, I know...

Feeling the Cold Hand of Paranoia

Salem was playing in her room when I heard a loud bang. I ran to her room in a panic to find her standing next to her closet door, which had fallen off the track and was lying on the ground next to her.

Me:“Babe! Are you alright? What happened?”

Her: “I dunno mom! I tried to close the door and it flew off the wall and landed here on the floor!” She motioned downward with her little open hand, as if I didn’t notice the giant door flopped over on the floor.

Me: “Did you get hurt? Are you okay?”

I could see her begin to process the fact that indeed the door could have hurt her when it had fallen. She started to muster up some water works and began to cry as if she’d just been bitten.

Her: Yes, see this?” She motioned to a day old scratch that she came home with from school. “It fell on me!”

Her: “You need to tell Jamie Piper that she can’t come over to my house and trick me with my closet doors! She made this happen; she wanted it to trick me!”

Now, Jamie is a very close friend of mine. I have no idea what on earth Salem is talking about. I sat her down and explained to her that this was an accident. In no way was Jamie Piper (it's actually one word, JamiePiper) involved in some sort of plot to maim or dismember her in any way. Sometimes, I just don’t know where she comes up with these ideas.