Crawling Baby is Also Gassy

Great.
Salem traded one of her birthday gifts that she already had for a new toy today. The prize she picked was a crawling baby doll that giggles, coos and farts.

I'd like to have been a bug on the wall in the toy planning meetings:
"Attention design team, we've come up with a great idea! We're designing a baby doll that crawls and farts! It's soooo life-like, the kids will love it." (and the parents will resort to hiding said baby in the garage...)

WTF?

Punishment - No Spanking Up In Here

I do not punish my child by spanking. I was spanked when I was a child and honestly, it was pretty damn effective but none the less, I'm not passing that tradition on to my kid.

The kid gets a 'time out', toy removal, or an early bedtime if she's out of line. She's not a terrible kid, nor does she get punished often. But one time, one time I lost my patients and I spanked her. What I found was disturbing:

She liked being spanked so much so that she actually backed up her little bum in front of me and practically begged for more.

Dear God, it's me - Ashley. Do you see how I may have a problem? Please help me.

Letter Speak

I was talking about the possibility of taking Salem to get some ice cream after dinner yesterday. I didn't want her to know if we were going or not, so I used the classic parental "spell out" way of communicating. She turned to me and said,

"Quit your letter speak! I wanna know what you're talking about! With words!"

Salem's 5th Birthday

Maine!

I head north from whence I came tomorrow! I'm so excited to see my family and friends!!... and eat lots and lots of seafood. The first thing I'm going to do is head straight for some clam strips. Then, we're going to dinner and I"m ordering a steamed lobster and some haddock. Then, the next day I'm going to have a lobster roll and some crab something or other. Did I mention I like to eat Maine seafood? Yay!

Sugar Cop

I have been dealing with issues revolving around my blood sugar for several years. lately, the issues have come to a head and now I'm taking medication for type 2 Diabetes. I have cut back on all processed sugars and cut out white food (white bread, white potatoes, white flour... you get the picture) to improve my health.

Those of you who know me personally, know that I'm a wicked foodie. I live for dining out at obscure restaurants, finding new and interesting international cuisine, (Hey Venessa, do you enjoy Thai cuisine? -- Inside joke) and can't wait to tackle new recipes that take hours and even days to prepare. So this new diet has been some what of a speed bump for me. Not to mention, my medication does not pair well with booze of any kind. (wah-wuh)

Salem is well aware of the fact that I should not be eating sugary foods. She uses this as an opportunity to play 'sugar cop'. It's crazy how she'll just show up, materializing for a second to stop me from sneaking any snack, even with the tiniest trace of sugar. I was baking her cake for her birthday, and maybe I wanted to sample just a bit of the frosting; she jumped out from behind the counter like an elf,
"Hey! Mom! You can't have sugar!!"
Once she was eating an ice cream cone, couldn't finish and gave it to me to toss. I tried sneaking a little lick and she spun around shaking her index finger at me,
"No! Stop mom! No sugar!"
I had gotten some sugar free candies and was twisting the little wrapper open while she was watching Spongebob. Her little ears detected the sound of the wrapper from across the room and she whipped her little head around and yelled,
"No! You can't have sugar!"

I think it's cute that in her own little way she's trying to protect her mommy.

Barbie Cake

Salem's birthday party was a great time. Thank you to all that came out, she had a very special day at the Chuck E. Cheese's. I made the imfamous Barbie cake, It turned out very well, even though I had to tear Barbie's legs off to get her to fit in her 'dress'.

Happy 5th Birthday to the Love of My Life

Salem,
Today you're five years old! I'm proud of the multifaceted, uncommon kid you've turned out to be. You're smart, funny, beautiful, creative, loving, engaging, inventive, and wise beyond your years. I've enjoyed teaching you things and watching you learn.

I get a kick out of your very special secret vocabulary you've concocted. Watching you play with your toys and hearing the scenarios between your dolls is priceless. Seeing you excited to learn to ride a bike and wear your kitty cat helmet without an ounce of complaint has been a joy. You've been fearless this year in the water at the pool, learning to swim and dive like a pro - I'm so very proud of you. I love being flooded with that rush of overwhelming happiness when you show that you're proud of yourself and know that you've done a good job. You have done the "bestest job, ever!"

You're a treasure, sweet Salem, I love you to your depth. Thank you for making me the Bosslady and teaching me how to be the best person I can, for you.

Birthday Dinner

I asked Salem where she wanted to eat for her special birthday dinner. Her reply:

"McDonalds!"

I'm going to miss these times she's so easy to please. I can just envision her 15th birthday dinner request: "I wanna go to Vegas mom. Vegas. I won't be popular or cool if you don't take me there for my birthday!"

It's like Disney World. I have no intention of taking her there any time soon. I thought I'd take her to Six Flags and I'd call it "Disney Place". She may be too young yet to realize her mom is pulling the wool over her eyes.

10,000 and Counting - Celebrating Salem's Birthday

Hey there peeps! I'm excited to announce that the bosslady has had over 10,000 visitors since I started keeping track in November 2008. Since the launch of this site in May of 2007, I've had a blast keeping tabs on the antics of my daughter, Salem.

Salem will be 5 years old this Thursday, July 16th. I can hardly believe it. Expect full details of her upcoming Chuck E. Cheese (I go there only to hang myself) birthday party. Mommy advice: Never ask a child where they'd like to have their birthday, just announce it if it were the most exciting thing ever. I'm kicking myself over the missed opportunity of not saying "Party at the YMCA Pool or Piedmont Park." Now I have to suffer through a day of loud arcade games, animatronics, bad pizza, sticky table cloths, flat bud light and singing mice. But, I'll see your flat bud light, Chuckie, and raise you a Barbie birthday cake. -- I am going to attempt to make one of those Doll cakes, that kitschy kind with the Barbie shoved down in the middle with icing piped over her as a dress. How hard can it be?


I'd like to celebrate these milestones with something fun, that perhaps I could get a little peanut gallery participation with? If I made Bosslady t-shirts, would anyone wear them? No hard feelings if not, I'll just stop reading your blog ;)

More of Salem & Brody

Salem spent quite a bit of time with her pals Brody, Zane and Aiden this weekend. (I heart you, Sylvesters!) Some super cute bits of their day, brought to you by my dear friend, Venessa, Brody's mom:

1. Salem is teaching Brody the proper pronunciation of "margarita." her example, "Right before she went to sleep, my hamster made a taco and a margarita. She made a big mess and I had to clean it up."
- Anybody got an idea where she was going with this?


2. She tried to convince Brody that I'm 115 years old. He didn't buy it.
- Way to go B-man! Thanks for getting my back!!

3. Kelly, Aiden's mom and also a dear friend, describes my kid: "O my God! someone shrunk Uma Thurman! oh wait never mind, that is just little sally pants!"
- I think Salem would love to grow up to learn that she was compared to Uma Thurman, I know I would!

4. Salem and Brody, a photo first date:

5. All the little tow-heads lined up for their photo-op:

Strike a Pose and Work It!

Salem and her buddy Brody out collecting bugs with the nets that were given as party favors from baby June's birthday. Isn't that a cute idea? June, bugs, nets, butterflies, springtime. I love how Amy can tie in a whole theme!

You can really tell the kid is totally posing for the shot. Kills me!

Security Cameras and 1984

A strange conversation in the car yesterday:

"Hey mom? When you see one of those cameras, the white kinds on top of a telephone pole, make sure you make a mean face at it."

me: "Why make a mean face?"
her: "Because there are mean people watching us inside those cameras. One time a mean person in there made a mean face at Helena (her friend) and that's bad. Those camera people are bad! They cause people to have accidents"
me: "How do know about these cameras?"
-- no answer --
her: "Will you tell me when you see a white camera on top of a telephone pole?"
me: "I'm not sure you should obsess about these cameras. The people that see through them are only doing they're job to be sure people don't break the law and that others are safe."
Under my breath, I heard myself state, "Although, I do think it's sort of a weird invasion of privacy, like 1984 or something"
her: "See! You DO think those camera people are bad!"

oops.