I'm-a-monkey

My step mother bought me a pair of black rubber gloves with cheetah print detailing. This way I can be fabulous while I do housework, because everyone knows I have to be fabulous 24/7.

Salem located them and put them on her feet. She began dancing around the house singing "I"m a monkey, I'm a monkey, I'm a monkey..." This banter went on for at least 30 minutes then there was a break where she shoved some cookies and apple juice in her mouth. After her refreshments pause, she was back at squealing, "I'm a monkey!"

Finally she tired of being this monkey character and moved on to something else. Unfortunately, like a bad song, I have this phrase stuck in my head and hold little hope of it leaving.

Super Power!

In the car this morning:

her: "Hey mom! You wanna know what my super power is?"
me: "Of course! What is it?"
her: "I can feel wood inside of glass!"
me: "Wha?!"
her whispering quietly to herself as she gazes starry eyed: "Yeah... I'm amazing."

It's these moments that I just sit quietly chuckling to myself at the thought of how funny it would be to be a fly on the wall in a day of our life.

Beyond the Grave Horror Fest - Got some artwork up in this show...

Twister!

My friend Erin got Salem a Twister game for her birthday. She and I opened it up and tried it out.

her: "This is fun! And...when you're not playing it, you can use it as a yoga mat!"
me: "Uh, when do you plan to do yoga?"
her: "Well, I don't know. But!...(She started to pick up the mat and put it away.) It would also look cute as a skirt! Not on me, but on you mommy."

And I had no idea how many uses there actually were for Twister. It got my curiosity bubbling, and I found yet one more way you could use this toy...Twister: helps you everyday!

Top 10 Icky Songs

These are 10 songs that have always made me uncomfortable. I thought if I got it all out on this proverbial 'paper' the purge would make me feel better about listening to the radio when i don't have my ipod.

1. True - Spandau Ballet - The guy's overly dramatic voice alone sounds gross. He croons like a seal in labor. It's disgusting. This much is tru-ooh...

2. Blinded by the Light - Manfred Mann - Apart from the obvious misconstrued line, "wrapped up like a douche" really being "revved up like a deuce" the whole song is one long line at the OBGYN. I feel grossed out and violated before the first chorus. This is what it sounds like to me: "Little early burly with an anus squirrely whirrly when I needed a ride"...? Not good, nope. Douche...

3. Making Love Out of Nothing At All - Air Supply - This guy's woman-voice is just the beginning of the twisted feelings of sexual tension. "And I know just where to touch you"...this line, when I was a kid, would draw a vivid picture in my brain of some bearded child molester trying to coax me into his windowless van. Yuckiness...

4. You Needed Me - Ann Murray - Clearly a tale only a stalker could tell. Either that, or this is one person with a major co-dependency issue. See for yourself...

5. I'm Just a Girl - No Doubt - Gwen Stefani's voice in this song is like listening to a guinea pig trying to escape from under the wheel of a truck. Her red lips in the video really bother me too, reminding me of a giant clam-like suction cup.

6. Under The Bridge - RHCP - Okay, I'm going to offend some of my peeps here, but this song grosses me out. It may be because it's such a departure from their usual sound but I think the metaphor - a city as a woman is what bothers me most. The chorus at the end leaves me awash with grit.

7. Solid as a Rock - Ashford and Simson - Are they singing about constipation? The lyrics "The thrill is still ha ha ha ha ha hot!" makes me really gaggy.

8. Kenny Rogers. Anything this man sings is violating. To make matters worse, his overdone plastic surgery is freakish. Speaking of plastic surgery; I love me some Dolly, but this duet cuts right through to the tender part of gross: "Makin' love with each other..."

9. Another Day in Paradise - Phil Collins - Not only does this song bother me, but Phil Collins' head shape is another matter. Maybe I'm biased by his annoying relationship with Disney, but this song is yucky. It makes me feel bad, as it's indended to, but the way it's worded would indicate he got in trouble for drunk driving or something and was forced to make some kind of public service announcement. "Sir, can you help me?.."

10. Just a Friend - Biz Markie - I sorta like this song, but I've always felt embarrassed for him as he sounds like he's trying to sing underwater after washing down a rufie with a long island iced tea. "Oooh bayBEE YOU-OO..."

What songs make you want to hurl?

That Cheese Smell

Salem ate an entire hamburger yesterday. (Applause!) This was only after she removed the cheese, which in my mind is the best part of enjoying grilled ground beef in the shape of a patty atop a bun. Also- she wouldn't touch her burger until I started calling it a Krabby Patty.

The funny part: When she removed the cheese (mind you, it was American cheese, not some fancy cheese that I'd like, but AMERICAN cheese. ALL kids like American cheese, sheesh!) she smelled it, turned to me and said,
"I don't like this cheese, it has that smell. Like that smell from the blower in the basement. Ew!"

1. Whether we admit it or not, everyone secretly likes American cheese. I know it's fake, you have to peel it from plastic, and you're embarrassed to be seen at the store tossing it in your cart. But it's soooo good! It melts perfectly.
2. If you insist on holding your ground thinking it's gross, at least admit this, It doesn't smell like a basement.
3. What blower in the basement? The HVAC? Again, I have never in my life heard anyone describe American cheese as smelling like an HVAC.
4. I asked her if she liked any cheese. She said, "Yes, I only like the tiny square cheese from the Lunchables.
5. My kid is weird.

Something For Fall

Dear Mr. Pants, H&M has a cute outfit for fall...

Putting Stuff In Her Mouth

Serious Post:
Salem has an issue with putting things in her mouth. She's constantly tearing up napkins with her teeth or putting bits of cloth and holding them in her mouth. She sucks on her shirts and finds odd things like dirty carpet strings to suck on. I tell her over and over to stop. She was banned from playing with the farm figurines at school for 4 weeks for being caught with the pig in her mouth.

Her teacher has complained to me about it several times.

I've investigated and have come up with Sensory Integration Disorder as a possible connection. But she doesn't fit most of the bullet points, just a few. Would anyone know what sort of doctor I should take her to or if she indeed should go to one?

I'm Lucky

A conversation in the car:
her: "Mom...you're lucky I'm a girl."
me: "Oh yeah?"
her: "Yeah. Cause boys can be hard to deal with."
me: "Little girls aren't always easy you know..."
her: "Yeah, but little girls don't play rough and break things."
me: "Anyone can break things; little girls, little boys, and grown ups too. It's not always their fault."
her: "Well...(long pause) I just thought you'd like to know that you were lucky."
me: "Awww, I'm glad you told me."

Big Kids Only

We went to karate tonight. The sensei didn't even introduce herself when she opened her mouth to tell my daughter and I (in front of all the other kids) that my child was too small for her class. Then she went on to say the class would be way over her head and proceeded to tell the other children to stand up so that she could "size them up" in comparison of my child. Moving along in her one sided conversation, she went on to let me know that Salem could "watch and observe to see if she could handle herself."

Meanwhile, we were not in a fancy karate dojo. This is the YMCA, people. Salem immediately felt embarrassed and inadequate then lowered her head. I asked my kiddo quietly if she wanted to stay and "observe" but she shook her head "no". As we walked out of the class, the sensei asked "What? you're not going to stay?"

"Well ma'am, after your little speech, her confidence is obviously bruised and she feels uncomfortable. She may be small but she's not deaf. She and all these children in here heard what you had to say, and I agree, it's best that she didn't participate in this kind of class."

Takeaway: YMCA karate is a little big for their britches.

ps... and all along I thought size didn't matter in martial arts.

Karate Kid

The kid had a choice of activites for the fall: gymnastics or karate. She's made her choice and will begin with her first karate lesson today. I will post more updates as the hillarity ensues...

Crunchy

I was seated at my computer on Sunday morning when the kid approached.
"Mom! Can I have a snack?"
me: "Not right now, we're going to have lunch in 20 minutes."

Annoyed, she stomped off to play. But she returned.

"Mom! I think I have a breathing problem!"
me: "What? What's wrong?"
her: "Well, I think it's a problem that only something crunchy will fix!"

I stared at her, right in the eye. She started to giggle as she knew she was busted.

"I told you that you're not getting a snack! No chips before lunch and don't try any more funny stuff!"

Natalie Dee

My favorite web comic and my daughter have the same sense of humor: