People of Helen

We took Salem tubing up in Helen, GA last week. Before we left, Mr. Pants was performing some quick lawn duties and was swarmed and stung by 8 bees. Despite being wicked uncomfortable, he regained composure and went on with our plans. Kudos!

We met some good friends of ours up there and made a day of it. And boy, what a day it was. I'm about to give you both my take on tubing in Helen and some helpful tips:

1. Never let your young child talk you into manning their own tube without a tether. (I'll explain)
2. Wear shoes. Not flip flops, shoes. I wore some old Vans, and I'm thankful I did.
3. Make sure to eat a MEAL, not a snack before your trip. The water is slow moving and you'll be stranded in a river, starving for 2 hours or more. And if you have one, your child will be starving too.
4. Rest assured that there will be at least 500,000 other people tubing along with you. These people are mostly comprised of N. GA mountain folk, in a nutshell, it's like Wal-Mart but wet. Not only are these folks yelling profanities, but they are mostly drunk, clutching a warm tall-boy can of Coors Light in one hand, while chain-smoking with the other.
5. People, usually drunk people, will fall out of their tubes and just lay in the water. You will run into these people or they will run into you. They are a hazard and a certain liability either way.

Now, back to tethering:
Salem insisted on taking her own tube. The water is only 12" deep in some places and based on my bruised tailbone, is 2" deep in others, and as I said before, slow moving. She certainly could hold her own if she were to fall out. But falling out as we've learned is not the problem. It's hard to stay together while floating down a river while trying our best to dodge the drunk and smoking tubers. The tubes don't come equipped with a rudder, there's no way to steer. You just have to float down at will. Needless to say, Salem and I got separated from bee-stung and swollen Mr. Pants and were left to blindly navigate on our own.

The odds were against us in the event of not coming in contact with one of the drunken smokers. Lo and behold, I came across one, he was just standing in the middle of the river, stumbling around, sans tube. As we approached I called out "Hey! Buddy! Here we come, and we can't steer....hey! Hey buddy! I'm going to run right into you...hey!" He didn't turn, he didn't react, he was clearly hammered. I ran into the backs of his knees and he went down like a fork lift pallet full of Crisco right on my head.

"Eye'm sorrah.....eye, eye, eye'm sorrah!" He repeated in a thick mountain accent. He wouldn't move, he didn't try to get off my head. As we floated on, with obese drunk dude's bum smothering my head and neck, little Salem and I got separated. I could hear her yelling "Mommy, Mommy!!!" With all my PX90-Might I rolled that sack o' potatoes off my head and back in the water, my tube popped up from under my bum only to float swiftly away. In a panic, I clawed my way upstream toward Salem, stumbling on the slimy rocks, pinching my fingers between them. I slipped several times on the uneven river bottom and have the shin and hip bruises to prove it. But we were reunited! She and I shared her kiddie tube and continued on our journey.

A little way down the river, dependable Mr. Pants was patiently waiting for us, holding my run-a-way tube.We found a tether strap from another abandoned tube, he tied Salem and I together and all was good in the world.

We enjoyed the last hour of our river ride, feeling a little less nervous about losing each other. My only concern was getting one of my eyeballs burned out by some drunken redneck's cigarette.